I have no fear of drowning, it's the breathing that's taking all this work.

I can’t seem to go to bed tonight. I just don’t feel like it. I type so fast but think so slow. There is so much going on lately that I don’t know where to start. If I could just find a job I like, life might settle down a little.

I’ve been thinking so much lately about what I really want to do. I have been told for so many years that it doesn’t really matter what degree I have, a degree at all would make me more important to any organization. That was a lie. So maybe I should have earned a degree in a field that I love more. I love accounting, but over the last 22 years I have been so interested in so many other things. I wanted to be a teacher for years, but let the salary range talk me out of it. I wish I hadn’t. I let money rule my life so often. It seems to make all decisions for me. It decides where I live, what I want to be, who I want to be. And soon it will run my career. It will be all that I deal with. I miss the days when life wasn’t about money. My entire college education was learning about how to make, inspire, and maintain money. The last four years were stuffed full of dollar signs and decimals. I miss reading books with the intent of analyzing every word. I miss doing stuff that doesn’t either suck money out of me, or have the intention of making money for me (or someone else for that matter!).

I miss the theatre. Both taking part in it and just simply sitting in the audience. I miss listening to music without the intention of motivating. There was a time when I would lay in bed with my headphones all day long. Now, I seem to only put music on when I have a task at hand. I miss numbers without dollar signs. Geometry and calculus and physics. I was never very good at the latter but I had so much fun trying to figure it out.

Lately, the occupation that I keep coming back to is this: a mother. Some days I long to be able to be a housewife and a stay-at-home mom. I have always wanted to be a mother. I love my nieces and nephews so much that, some days, I feel like my heart will burst if I don’t see them right away. But most of them are so far away. I long for children of my own. I know I should wait a few years (and I will!) but I don’t want to. I was born to be a mother and I have had some awesome examples in my life. If I could choose a career today, it would be “mom”. But I know well that all outstanding careers require years of training, hard work, and preparation. I am looking forward to the growth of my marriage and our growth as people and parents. I believe I can’t sleep because I’m not sure of the future. And it seems as though there are many sleepless nights ahead of me.